A Beautiful Day in Tacoma.

11140333_10153269642290833_1399572956045708510_nSuch a beautiful day in Tacoma. Met up with a friend after work & we walked the Tacoma Narrows Bridge – I was in such a good mood today, I think it just radiated to the outside world. During work, a co-worker & I spent our breaks & lunch walking the Thea Foss Way bridge in Tacoma & we were saying hi to everyone that passed by. Then on my walk across the Narrows Bridge we were saying Hi to every one, we had a couple cars honk & wave at us. Then we went to Boathouse 19 for happy hour & idk man, in the parking lot a little boy waved at me while I drove past him. Then inside, another little toddler was staring at me & giggling. I like when I’m in the extroverted mood that just attracts happiness from everyone else. Sometimes the introvert inside of me tends to keep my eyes towards the ground or avoid eye contact with people. But it’s much more fun when you’re interacting with strangers in a positive way like that. Reminds me of how my soul sister Shrylle is ALL OF THE TIME, that is something I cherish about her & wish I was around more. And hanging out with BP is always a good time.

We ate on the waterfront & walked out on the pier afterwards. It was the perfect way to wrap up my big 1 year anniversary of moving here & starting my new job. It doesn’t even feel like a year, maybe that’s because it didn’t even snow this winter. (WOOH!) So my brain hasn’t fully comprehended that it’s been a full calendar year of all four seasons. I’m much excite for the summer. American Lake is only a mile away from where I live, so I’ll be back on the beach a lot like I was last year. And going on walks is much more pleasurable, especially now when it’s sunny & only 70 degrees ish. BP, Ashlee & I are going hiking this Sunday. I don’t think I’ll manage to keep up with hiking when it gets into the 80s because it’s like 10 degrees hotter in the forest but I’m so happy & so proud of myself for getting out there & exploring all this beautiful nature Washington has to offer. I’ve had so many people tell me that I’ve done more in the past year than they have in the numerous years that they’ve lived in Washington. I love that. I love that I have that kind of flexibility with my work schedule as far as not working weekends. And even though every pay-day I contemplate getting a 2nd part-time job so I’m not so fucking poor, it’s worth it.

May 2nd, 2014- I drove in to Tacoma for the first time. On May 5th, 2014- I started my new job at the corporate headquarters. And on May 7, 2015 … Just a couple of days ago, I took a huge step towards becoming an adult… I made my first payment towards my student loans!

I’m on the up & up from here.

It’s been an entire year since I’ve been home & with Mother’s Day & my mom’s birthday within 10 days of each other, I figured I should make the trip back home. So, next weekend I’ll be in Indiana for a couple days. I’m like all of the emotions packed in to one. I’m nervous to fly for the first time, I’m excited to see all of my friends, I’m sad because last week my best friend’s mom’s best friend passed away but I’m also grateful that I’ll be able to offer some comfort & hopefully some good laughs when I get home to those hurting the most. I’m going to miss my cats 😦 But I’ve very excited to see my familia both i immediate & extended, both biological & my God given family. And see all the things that have changed back home & I’m also nervous to see all of the things I left back home. UGH & I can not wait to see all of my friends, which were definitely the hardest to leave. I don’t understand why they haven’t just moved out here with me, I think I’ve done my job of proving it’s awesome. Ever since I booked my plane ticket I’ve been rolling through all of these emotions. But now, with only 7 more days to go, I’m pumped.

Every one here in Washington always ask me if I ever think I’ll want to move back to Indiana… My answer… Fuck no. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to go home & see 25 years of comfort & friends & family right at your fingertips & have to leave them again. But I’m pretty much rocking this whole Washington thing, so they’ll just have to hide in my luggage or something.

I’m also super excited to go to my church, which is why I made sure I was flying back on a Monday. I think I’ll explode with happiness, no matter what the sermon is about. That’s another huge comfort that I am currently living without, not that I’m not going to church or worshiping God but I haven’t found MY church yet, my church is very much still in Indiana but I know God will show me the way. Maybe I should ask someone there if they have any recommendations for churches in Washington. I was reading a post on the church’s Instagram that our lead pastor had a mild stroke while leading a tour of the early days of the New Testament Church (he was in the Vatican in Italy, of all places). An update now states that all is clear & he’s doing fine, they are just waiting on another test since he is still having issues with seeing double.

In the update on their blog, the Executive Pastor wrote, “Dr. Tom Morton- a GCC founding member who is also with Mark in Italy, has 25 years of vision rehab exactly of this nature. God is good. He’s been watching over Mark every step of this unforeseen journey.”

I’m not the perfect Christian, I certainly haven’t always been this invested in my relationship with God, I honestly haven’t even read the whole bible. But now, when I read things like this, when I see tremendous amounts of hope in the face of tragedy, I get choked up & I know it is the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart. I can’t help but to feel an overwhelming happiness & relief to see the bigger picture in full effect. It’s beautiful & not a coincidence. It’s a great reminder that we are serving a higher purpose and that all of our suffering is pale in comparison to what God has waiting for us.

1 John 5:13: “These things I’ve written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God in order that you may know that you have eternal life.”

God put Dr. Morton on that trip with our pastor so that there would be no doubt, in anyone minds, that God is real, God is good. And being able to see his saving grace in the face of tragedy is true peace & confidence that he is amongst us at all times.

A Recap on Spring So far

So to focus on some good, I’ve been having a really good spring. I got a chance to take a quick vacation – Tuesday thru Sunday off at the end of March & got some visitors! Rosa & Adam flew in & stayed with me Tuesday thru Friday. Fuck, it was so much fun! First off, the weather was perfect. The first two days were a little wet but we just hung out in Tacoma, got some good food & local beers – saw some nature. I tried to take them to Chambers Bay but it was pretty much shut down for the upcoming U.S. Open Championships, which I am not looking forward too. Chambers Bay is a few minutes from my apartment, which means traffic is going to be insane. That’d be a really great time to rent out my apartment & go on another vacation. 😉 Thursday & Friday thought we spent in Seattle & you couldn’t have asked for better weather. It was 70 degrees & sunshine all day. Thursday was so fun, we stayed in Seattle for 12 hours straight doing a bunch of touristy shit, Friday too although we went up later in the day & got caught in 4 o’clock traffic on our way to the airport.

I think the best part though was getting to hang out with people I’ve known for 10+ year in my new home. Next year marks the 1 year anniversary in Washington & I’ve made plenty of new friends, met new people, experience new things but nothing can beat picking on Adam & getting slap happy with Rosa, laughing until we cry. It made me that much more excited to go home in a month to see all my other friends!

Here’s some picks from our #SpringBreak2015 in Seattle

 

I feel like 4 days was the perfect amount of time to share a 1 bedroom apartment with three people & two cats. But I’d gladly accept them as my new neighbors! I’m so happy & blessed to have friends who are willing to travel across the country to come visit me. ❤

As for friends in town, went to the Tulip Festival Last week with Billie, Matthew & Ashlee – besides having a clogged ear that I couldn’t hear out of, oh & allergies, it was fun. Again, great weather -sunshine & a little bit of chilly wind but definitely worth that trip. At least once. Pictures include 1 shameless seflie.

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Can you tell I just learned how to put slideshows in my posts? Also, it’s been a while, so I feel like I have to catch on everything with a mass upload of things for you to be jealous over. Even though you’re probably already my friend on Facebook & have seen these pics already.

Ok, one last one… Here’s a little update on my Psoriasis, the first two images were taken this week. So, you can see the cream I’m using does work. There has not been any change to the Guttate Psoriasis on the trunk of my body since I stopped light treatments two weeks ago. The psoriasis is no longer on my ankles.

I start slow pitch softball on Monday, I’m mostly excited, partially nervous. It’s been a while since I’ve played. I’m thinking it’s possible I run even slower now than I did years ago when I still played, which some may find hard to believe but I’m going to guarantee it. I guess I have to hit a homerun e’ry time I get up to bat. HA I will make mention that the first team we play is called BALLS TO THE FACE, & our team is called S.W.A.T.  I won’t tell you what that stands for, but you can guess. The more raunchy you get, the closer you’ll be. Haha! >.<

The things I know, love & hate about dating.

I love reading articles that say It’s Not Your Fault You’re Single, you’re just too unique. It’s harder for unique people to find someone equally as unique to settle down with. It’s true. 3 times a bridesmaid, once almost a wife & now forever single. I kind of like that I’m 25 and I’m fully experiencing dating life. Occasionally, I’ll feel a little peanut butter & jealous of my friends who’ve found their soul mates, are married or in a serious relationships. But then I remember, I tried that route & I’m destined for my own kind of unique dating life. Why not experience it all while I can. And I’ll gladly let you live vicariously through me.

Reflecting back on my week & a half long dating excursion, with what seemed to be the holy grail- 6’3, in his early 30s, good job, his own house, no kids- whenever I’ve dated someone with similar statistics & it didn’t work out, I often looked back on myself & thought what am I doing wrong? Why can’t I fall for a simple guy like that. What I’ve realized is simple isn’t my thing. God, trust me. It’s not. As another bites the dust, here’s what I’ve learned to love, hate & just straight up know & be aware of in my dating life-

1. The Shy Girl

It might sound normal but I get pretty shy when I’m on the prowl. In a recent date excursion I can countdown exactly how many times I smiled, nodded, giggled while covering my mouth, shrank into myself not to take up too much space & limited the number of french fries I scarfed down with my beer.

Here’s why I love it: It fucking works every time. I’ve been on a few dates where the guy has called me out on being quiet & seemingly reserved. I’ve heard lines like, “You just sit there and nod but I know your game. 6 months down the road you won’t be agreeing with me & it’ll be a huge problem.” Or, “Wow, I like how you were just totally blunt right then. I’ve never heard you talk like that.” HA But it works, every time. Something about holding back makes me feel powerful. Making excessive eye contact, laugh at all his jokes and then act like I wasn’t paying attention when he addresses me directly, planting that damn seed. It’s exactly what I imagine seduction to be like and it makes me feel damn good when it works.

Here’s why I hate it: It’s not me. I mean, sometimes I can be quiet but if you know anything about me it’s that I like to laugh out the fuck loud & I like to make the funniest jokes. And actually, if I play the quiet, bashful girl for too long I start to feel hesitant about speaking out loud. And sometimes I find myself not standing up or speaking up when things are said that I don’t agree with. Which makes me sad because that’s not me either. It also makes me feel a little insecure, like if I start acting like my real self.. out loud burping & witty comebacks & calling a guy out on his bullshit, he’s going to drop me. And instead of being happy that I dodged a bullet, it makes me feel shitty about myself. Which sucks.

Here’s how it works in my favor: Even though that one dude was right, 6 months down the road shit won’t be the same, I’m not just being shy & bashful… I’m listening to you. In all honesty, I’m listening to every word you’re saying because I am a firm believer that if you listen, a person will tell you everything you need to know with out any force. If I reflect on past relationships, I can literally pin point sentences that were said that really should have clued me in to what the future was going to be like. Lines like this: “I just have this unfortunate problem with always dating really attractive girls. I mean look at me, I basically look homeless & my last girlfriend was a model.” Tells me a lot more than anything your Okcupid profile does. Also a line like this, “I had a girlfriend once, she was a thick girl & she dressed up like Harlee Quinn for me in the bedroom. And you know I was like, babe I appreciate it but no, it’s not working for me. You have to have a certain body type to pull that off, you basically have to be a gymnast, otherwise it’s just not attractive.” Even in my own experience, when I’m around a quiet person I feel the need to fill the silence. People say a lot of stupid shit when they’re trying to fill the silence. It’s my goal to not be the one filling the silence with gems like, “I was tripping on acid one time when we grocery shopping together.”

2. Sexting

This is probably the biggest one I have a problem with because it is so predominant in the dating world right now & at my age. But here’s my feelings on it…

Nope

Maybe I’m part of a dying breed but I don’t want to talk about sex with you. I enjoy the anticipation and I’m a firm believer that if you’ve got to talk about it, it’s probably not that good. I really don’t need to know you’re a grower, not a show-er before you’ve even taken me out for dinner let alone slept with me. And I really don’t care what your preference is for female grooming or your elicit interest in girls wearing lingerie. I’m pretty sure you better like me enough to not care about either. And I’m not saying there’s not a time & place for sexting but it’s certainly not within the first week I’ve met you or before we hit some trustworthy milestones in a relationship.

And here’s a hint, we only wear lingerie when we want something & I’m only wearing lingerie because I want a BMW or I got a BMW. (previously BMW would have been diamond but shit has changed dudes, I got real priorities now)

And if you ask me to text you something cute, you’re getting a picture of my cats. And if you ask me to text you something sexy, you’re getting either a picture of the pizza I’m eating or maybe I’ll just ignore you for a day & a half. It’s 2014, I don’t trust you, I can’t afford to be one of those celebrities who has to defend their nude leaks. I can’t call my grandma & tell her she might see those pictures! And here’s another food for though, if you’re just trying to get laid, fine. But if you’re trying to be my bf & you’ve focused your efforts on getting me to sext you way too soon in the ‘getting to know you phase’, I’ll never date you for real. There’s no way in hell, 10 years down the road when my kids ask me how I met their dad I’m going to have to reflect on all of the pornographic things you said to me before I even heard you fart or met your mom.

And here’s another bit of info for you, if I don’t know you… As in, if we’re not in a committed relationship & I trust you, love you or see a potential future with you and you send me a dick pic. I’m sending it to my best friend and we are going to make jokes about it because that is what you are, a joke.

That’s the difference between time wasting boyfriends who send dick pics & potential husbands who wait until they’ve got monogamy on their side, we don’t want our best friends to see our potential husband’s peen.

3. Boundaries

I’ve done the whole fall down the rabbit hole, I’m in love shit. My ex fiance & I hung out for 2 weeks straight before we started dating. I was at his house every night, I skipped classes, only went to work because I saw him there, quit going to the gym. Then he left for Indy for a week or two & called me once. Of course it was the beginning of the relationship, so I couldn’t hate him for not calling ((he didn’t even own a cellphone)… a problem that would manifest in the future when he did have a cellphone & still never called. ) But if I had been paying attention, I would have realized how much I liked that anticipation. That the time spent away from each other made me more excited than ever to see him. I could have used a healthy dose of that knowledge later on in our relationship. When he got back from his mini vacation, we spent every second together until we finally moved in together & imploded. Boundaries is something that I’m eagerly learning about & finding profoundly sexy right now. There’s an art in not giving too much of yourself up front. Boundaries are often mistaken for ‘the game’ that single people play to attract a mate, but I say play on. Make me work for it, I’m going to make you work for it & I’m going to be 100 times more honest than if I gotta make shit up on the fly to ensure you like me and I’m probably going to be way more accepting of your obsession with lingerie if you hold on the info until we’ve established respect & gotten some time under our belts. If someone isn’t setting boundaries for themselves, I’m wary. There’s no long term value in that. I’m not 19 years old, chances are it’s going to take more than 2 weeks to get me to commit to you, so you better have something good to reveal  in week 3 or I might lose interest.

4. Freedom

Don’t forfeit your freedom too soon. Let’s say that someday, by some slight of the Devil I become a wife or a mother, I’m sacrificing a shit ton of my free time right? And although, when a relationship is new I feel like I want to spend every damn minute with the dude- whether that’s because I have nothing better to do or because I’m afraid they’ll fall in love with the cashier on the way out of the grocery store- I’ve realized I value my free time. Ever woke up the next morning next to a guy & had to fart? You could get out of bed, go to the bathroom but God knows the house is so quiet, he’d hear you. I can’t even pee at work if I think someone is listening. You don’t have to worry about that when you’re in your own space. Enjoy & value your alone time .. to fart freely, if anything else.

5. Jealousy

Mmm. Touchy subject based on my past. But to be honest, I think a little jealousy is perfectly healthy in a relationship. What better way to show you really cherish what you’ve got then recognizing you could lose it to someone if you’re not acting right. But you know what’s not sexy, when you’re the only jealous person in a relationship. And you know what certainly does not breed a healthy amount of jealousy from your significant other- not having your own life. What person is going to be jealous or fearful of losing someone who sits at home, waiting for everyone else to come home? Spoiler alert, no one. This past weekend I went to a party on Friday night with a guy I’d been dating. Saturday night, I made my own plans & went to a friends party on my own. Dude was cool about it but the following few days, I got a few little quips about how I must have found a cute dude at that party because I wasn’t being very talkative. Truth is, I wasn’t being talkative because I wasn’t interested anymore, which made his jealousy pretty obnoxious but if I had been interested, I’d probably be flattered that he’s acknowledging I’d be worth losing.
6. The Pizza Test

Never date a guy until you know what kind of pizza he has in his freezer. I’m not picking off onions for the rest of my life, compromising on half & half pizzas or coming home to a Hawaiian pizza ever. Have you ever seen a girl choke back tears & pout in her room all night because her boyfriend said, “Hey babe, don’t worry about dinner. I’m going to make you something good for when you get off work. I’ll have it ready for you when you walk in the door.” Only to come home to Cheeseburger pizza. I’m not going to say I’d do that now but 22 year Brooke sure as fuck has gone to bed with NO PIZZA because her only option was Cheeseburger pizza. That is a doomed relationship. This is my version of the front porch test from How I Met Your Mother.

7. Respect

If you don’t know what it means to respect yourself, you won’t know what it’s like to be respected by others. I like to think of the absolute best way I want to be treated, with love & a little bit of fear. And I ask for it, I don’t expect someone to read my mind. And then I know better quotethan to stick around if I’m not being treated the way I want to be treated. Hence the reason why I had to have a ‘let’s just be friends’ conversation this week.

Want to really ‘woo’ me, skip the compliments on my sweet tits & ask me for my autograph when I dress up for a date or ask me if I’m famous when you see me for the first time that day. I’ll eat that shit up & blush like the little submissive wife of your dreams. But most importantly, I’ll respect you. And not only is it important for me to know what kind of respect I want, there’s nothing sexier than a man who demands respect for himself.

 

And on that, here’s a musical treat just for you:

How My Cats Are Helping Me Get Healthy & Fit

You know that Pinterest picture that shows like one jar full of marbles and every marble is a lb and you move the lbs you’ve lost into an empty jar to track your progress?

I got a better idea…

Print

HA! So, here’s the deal I have set a goal for getting fit and losing the equivalent of two kittens & the Boy before I go home for Xmas. And so far, I’ve lost a kitten. Now that’s the kind of motivation I can get down with.

Also, I am so good at Photoshop, I can’t even.

I recently got some free health tests done at work in an RV outside of our office building, which was weird. But these are my results:

Echocardiogram Ultrasound: Normal #holla
Electocardiogram: No significant abnormality seen
Stroke/Carotid Artery Disease: No visual plaque or thickening shown
Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm: No aneurysm seen
Peripheral Arterial Disease: Normal
Arterial Stiffness Index: Normal

And my blood pressure was prehypertension. Which I have never gotten a bad reading on my damn blood pressure and we are going to fault that to the 4 hour fast I had to endure before the tests.

So far, so good, huh? I mean a highly skilled medical technician not only saw me without a shirt on but also told me I was normal. That’s never happened before!

But then there’s this:

Total Cholesterol: Borderline high…
HDL cholesterol: Moderate…
LDL cholesterol: Borderline high…
Triglycerides: Normal
Blood Glucose: Normal
Blood Pressure: Prehypertension
BMI: well, we’ll just say I should have that black card for Taco Bell and if you were to stick a fork in me right now, my blood may actually be pizza sauce.

I debated on whether or not I should get this testing done and honestly, it was a couple months ago and aside from the occasional post work work out. I haven’t really been making an effort to get healthy until now.

But what is healthy? I find myself mostly focusing on that scale number, contemplating never eating pizza again. Which almost always insures I’ll be eating pizza within the hour. Contemplating weight loss pills and other extreme measures to get that quick fix.

Obviously, that’s not going to work. I’m smart enough to know that it’s a lifestyle change, not a magic pill that’s going to get me fit. And I’m smart enough to know that being fit isn’t a number on the scale. So, instead I’m losing cats instead of LBS because it’s cute and I’m going to start focusing on how I feel in my body, not the size of it. And yes, losing weight will change the size of my body but if my body feels healthier, if my body feels stronger and I can get up a flight of stairs without wanting to take a nap in my car before I drive home, I don’t think I’ll need to get back to the 9th grade high school weight.

Side note: My hair is a hit at work, today a coworker told me that every day she sees me with it, she likes even more. and this it just suits my face and my personality. And the cashier upstairs in the cafeteria asked to take a few pictures of my hair so she can take it to her hairdresser and get the same thing. 🙂

I’m a goddamn inspiration.

 

My dating life defined by OkCupid

whatever I'll just date myself

In lieu of the last tragic post, I’d like to follow up by saying the only person I’m putting on a pedestal is myself. I’m a beautiful plus size 25 year old lady with two cats, no friends within 100 miles & no future prospects for another diamond ring, And I self identify with the single forever leaders of television… Samantha from Sex and The City, Shane from the L word & Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk.

So why am I sitting in my apartment most weekends pining over becoming the fictional characters in my Netflix queue?

Well, for one.. It’s free. But also, this is what I’m working with:

okcupid2For real, that’s the message my future boyfriend sent me. A fucking solitary ‘period’.

I mean, I love grammar but come on. Everyone knows my favorite punctuation is the ellipses. I didn’t respond but if I would have, I think an appropriate response (via Shrylle) would be a comma.  okcupid5. And then there’s that. If you’re familiar with OkCupid, you’ll know that on profiles it will say ‘Replies often’ or ‘Replies Selectively’… Mine should say, will roll her eyes & block you for next to nothing.

okcupid10It’s true, when I was younger than 19 I met my first boyfriend on Xanga. I empathize but this kids profile said his wardrobe consists of graphic tees, jeans & a hoodie with ear buds hanging around his neck. Come on, honey. Read 50 Shades of Grey & figure out what a real woman wants. (Side note: I never read 50 shades of Grey but don’t worry, my MOM told me all about. :BARF: Also, side note to the side note: The Red Room is in Seattle) okcupid8 My dear, dear Rosa… I just realized this guy was from Canton. Are you guys playing a joke on me!

The only one I’ve gotten my hopes up about lately was a very attractive English teacher who loved playing Scrabble. His first message to me was perfect;

okcupid15.1Which after a little back in forth with my potential Shakespeare essay grading, summer school teaching, drivers ed volunteer husband, he follows up with this:

okcupid15.2

Well, at least he was polite. I’m sure his wife would appreciate that.

 

Well first, & foremost let me highlight a few things…

1. It is cosmic payback when you’ve fallen into a habit of leaving one ice cub in the ice cube tray because it pisses off your Dad. And then you do it to yourself, twice in 1 week.

2. My cats know the sound of the ‘treat’ drawer when it opens. I can open the silverware drawer & they do not come running. But the drawer below it, when that opens, they know.

I posted a picture yesterday on my Instagram that garnished a lot of support, which is awesome. Because I love feeling loved and because I was able to take a step back and really appreciate how I was reacting to a situation that I thought would be harder than it was. And maybe the subject does not need to be talked about anymore but I’d like to hash it all out so I don’t have to think about it anymore.

This past weekend was supposed to be my wedding weekend.
This is what I posted on my Instagram, which pretty much sums it all up.

//instagram.com/p/soEnfhjeiA/embed/

A little over a year & a half ago I was telling everyone 9/6/2014 was the weekend I’d be getting married. And instead, I spent the day exploring #Seattle on my own like a #girlboss. One time I heard, Your enemies will be in Heaven with you, so I wish that fool nothing but the best. But I can honestly say, spending the day, by myself in my new home felt a million times better than spending the day wondering if my future husband was going to be inebriated when he got up to the alter. Or if his child’s mother was going to ruin my wedding day. I’m a true #chameleon but I’m proud to say I’ve never settled for less than what I deserve. #crazycatlady

There’s a lot of things I’d like to explore in that paragraph, like the idea that your enemies will be in Heaven with you. After Mike & I broke up, I started going to church. I had been going to church pretty regularly since middle school but I don’t think I’d really gone with the intent to listen. But a couple months into my Sunday therapy sessions with Granger Community Church, they preached about this idea that your enemies would be in Heaven with you.

No matter what wrong someone has done to you, they deserve forgiveness just as much as you did. And here’s an idea, God is going to forgive them, so why are you holding that grudge?  Along with this preaching, there was a clear discussion on what forgiveness means. It does not mean that what happened was right or even forgotten, but with forgiveness you take away a persons ability to hold you back, to limit your happiness, to limit your life that is ultimately deterred by drinking poison & waiting for your enemy to die. And chances are, if they’ve asked for God’s forgiveness, they’ll be at the dinner table sitting right across from you in Heaven. And what are you going to do, be mad?

That’s why I choose to wish Mike the best. Sure, I hate what happened & I hate how it happened. But I’d be happy to see him in Heaven, I think he deserves that. Even if he doesn’t know it right now, even if he never does.

What’s important to me is knowing not the outcome of his life, getting revenge or wasting a colossal amount of time feeling angry but instead knowing that the outcome of my life is headed in the right direction. And knowing that the time I spent with Mike was a lesson learned, a lesson I would not have learned without him. And although the ending was tragic, I can see the positive of the situation. It wouldn’t take me long to find someone who’d testify that I was a pretty damn negative person, for a long time too. And even Mike knew that & it took a big struggle with Mike to realize that he was right. And then it took a personal struggle to see that I was relying on relationships to relieve me of that negativity. Man can’t live up to the standards of God, so when you put a man on a pedestal & treat him like a God, expect him to perform God like miracles you’re bound to be disappointed. I understand now that I expected God like perfection out of someone who was flawed. And not flawed by his own choice but simply flawed because he is a human. I’m grateful for the 5 years that completely tore down my foundation and made me rethink my beliefs and recreate myself. I’m only sorry that Mike couldn’t be a part of my life to see how much better of a person I am now. Like the saying goes, some people come into your life as a blessings, others come into your life as a lesson. I’ll give Mike the credit he deserves & say he was both.

tumblr_mxnr3uVBNc1svbpheo1_500

 

What Are You Manifesting?

Let me tell you about my awesome day before I get into the specifics.

First & foremost, I woke up without pushing the snooze button. If you do not know my struggles with the snooze button, just know I have three different alarms set, at different intervals to wake me up and I push the snooze button multiple times for each alarm. There is absolutely no value in sleeping for intervals of 7 minutes every morning for an hour. So, this is a large feat. I also got to work 10 minutes early, which is not out of the norm for me but I had a conference call at 8am with one of my districts. Usually, on days of conference calls I don’t really do anything for the hour before and the entire day after the conference call. I usually feel off & don’t accomplish much, I waste the day away without getting any real stuff done. Today was different, I worked for that hour before, did the conference call & worked continuously afterward… like a pro. I made time to chat with my coworkers, compliment someone, learn something new. I honestly felt accomplished and it was great. I had my monthly high balance meeting to go over outstanding accounts over $10k with my Boss & Supervisor and I had no accts over $10k that I wasn’t able to collect on (if I wasn’t able to collect on them, the company would have to create a reserve & write off the balance= bad). My accounts were great, my boss said this is exactly where she wants the accounts to be at. And then she asked me to be a part of the testing group for a new version of the program we work out of that is being updated in September, meaning I would be getting some overtime. By time I left work, I was on cloud 9. Not to mention, I got home with limited stops in traffic, which is absurd for I-5 at 4pm.

I got home, heated up some ‘za, talked to my dad on the phone. Afterward, I found myself cruising articles on the internet, which is something I fall victim to every day and usually leads to me not getting anything done. But after realizing that I was sabotaging my time with Buzzfeed, I got up and cleaned up the apartment & took the trash out. When I took the trash out, I found a perfectly good desk from Ikea sitting by the dumpster, a little beat up but nothing a little TLC couldn’t fix. I cleaned it & now I’m sitting here, writing and I don’t feel the intense urge to take a nap because there’s too much stuff I want to do.

Seems like a pretty awesome day right? Want to know my secret to a successful day, besides pizza?

Manifest The Life You Want

5 Years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at you if you’d told me that. So, if you’re rolling your eyes, I see you & so does the universe. Quit it. I was horribly negative growing up and I never took responsibility for the fact that my thoughts were directly related to what I was experiencing in life. So when my boyfriend cheated on me, of course it was his fault, but did I manifest it? You bet, by being jealous and emotionally controlling. When I didn’t get along with my family, did I manifest it, you bet. With a negative attitude and lack of responsibility for my thoughts & actions I’m sure I was not easy, nor was I a pleasure to be around. When I failed out of college, did I manifest that, sure did with insecurity and lack of obedience and discipline when it came to school work because I had already set my intentions to have a negative lifestyle, things did not work out in a positive manner.

On some levels, you’ve asked for everything in your life.

This is the statement that I read on Belief Net that shook my heart, mind & soul making me take an inventory of my life. What did I like, what didn’t I like and what got me there. What did I believe, what did I tell myself that created the things in my life that I liked and didn’t like. Personality wise, I love that I’m funny. So, I say funny things. Why, because I like the satisfaction of making someone laugh, it makes me feel value in my interactions with humans. It makes me feel ‘liked’. What I don’t like is, I constantly feel tired. I deal with stress by eating & napping. This results in missing out on a lot of opportunities to engage on a day to day basis. It also creates a lot of disappointment because there are goals I want to achieve but often times it’s too stressful for me to cope with. I’ve been lucky to manifest a solid career and manifest the opportunity to move across the country, without even realizing I had any control over it. So, if I had asked for that in my life and I was still feeling shitty, how could I ask to make it even better?

I started my research with 5 Tips for Manifesting What You Want .

1. Clear space/ pray to the universe to release you from the disbelief of your greatness.
2. Get Clear/ Set clear intentions
3. Think it, Feel it, Believe it
4. Chill/ Have faith
5. Know the Universe has your back

Stay Committed to Happiness.

So, I got out a fresh journal I’d gotten as a gift & started a manifestation journal. I said a little prayer to the Universe & God and decided to focus on setting my intentions. I know that I did not want to focus on getting something, such as a check in the mail or well behaved cats, kitty litter that never smells, or a hot boyfriend. I wanted to focus on manifesting a feeling, to me the feeling of being Awake was more valuable than any material possession. I wrote what it meant to me to feel awake, such as inspired, motivated, accomplished, engaged, happy & excited to wake up in the morning, to be alive. And I commanded it, I wrote on a piece of paper, pinned it to my actual wall (not a Pinterest board) and told myself and the Universe; I command that I feel awake.

I’ll admit, I had a little bit of trouble falling asleep and I was thinking this manifestation was backfiring and becoming insomnia. I’m like no, universe I need some sleep. I want to feel awake tomorrow morning! But, maybe I was just excited to get up in the morning and truly feel awake.  I got up in the morning to my first alarm, I got dressed, curled my hair, fed the cats and left for work and you know the rest of the story. And being a little bit selfish, I remember saying out loud as I was leaving for work, “I command some furniture for my apartment.” And what do you know, a perfectly fine desk by the dumpster.

Here’s what I know, you can manifest the life you want. But just know, the Universe &/ or God know what’s best for you. So these things (such as furniture for my apartment) may not come in the way you expect them (free giveaway from Target). You have to be open and accepting to what the Universe is going to give you (such as dumpster furniture, not my first piece either). Put your good energy out there. Attract the things that make you feel happy, awake, fulfilled, accomplished. And remember;

“People who know the outcome can afford to wait & wait without anxiety.”