I love reading articles that say It’s Not Your Fault You’re Single, you’re just too unique. It’s harder for unique people to find someone equally as unique to settle down with. It’s true. 3 times a bridesmaid, once almost a wife & now forever single. I kind of like that I’m 25 and I’m fully experiencing dating life. Occasionally, I’ll feel a little peanut butter & jealous of my friends who’ve found their soul mates, are married or in a serious relationships. But then I remember, I tried that route & I’m destined for my own kind of unique dating life. Why not experience it all while I can. And I’ll gladly let you live vicariously through me.
Reflecting back on my week & a half long dating excursion, with what seemed to be the holy grail- 6’3, in his early 30s, good job, his own house, no kids- whenever I’ve dated someone with similar statistics & it didn’t work out, I often looked back on myself & thought what am I doing wrong? Why can’t I fall for a simple guy like that. What I’ve realized is simple isn’t my thing. God, trust me. It’s not. As another bites the dust, here’s what I’ve learned to love, hate & just straight up know & be aware of in my dating life-
1. The Shy Girl
It might sound normal but I get pretty shy when I’m on the prowl. In a recent date excursion I can countdown exactly how many times I smiled, nodded, giggled while covering my mouth, shrank into myself not to take up too much space & limited the number of french fries I scarfed down with my beer.
Here’s why I love it: It fucking works every time. I’ve been on a few dates where the guy has called me out on being quiet & seemingly reserved. I’ve heard lines like, “You just sit there and nod but I know your game. 6 months down the road you won’t be agreeing with me & it’ll be a huge problem.” Or, “Wow, I like how you were just totally blunt right then. I’ve never heard you talk like that.” HA But it works, every time. Something about holding back makes me feel powerful. Making excessive eye contact, laugh at all his jokes and then act like I wasn’t paying attention when he addresses me directly, planting that damn seed. It’s exactly what I imagine seduction to be like and it makes me feel damn good when it works.
Here’s why I hate it: It’s not me. I mean, sometimes I can be quiet but if you know anything about me it’s that I like to laugh out the fuck loud & I like to make the funniest jokes. And actually, if I play the quiet, bashful girl for too long I start to feel hesitant about speaking out loud. And sometimes I find myself not standing up or speaking up when things are said that I don’t agree with. Which makes me sad because that’s not me either. It also makes me feel a little insecure, like if I start acting like my real self.. out loud burping & witty comebacks & calling a guy out on his bullshit, he’s going to drop me. And instead of being happy that I dodged a bullet, it makes me feel shitty about myself. Which sucks.
Here’s how it works in my favor: Even though that one dude was right, 6 months down the road shit won’t be the same, I’m not just being shy & bashful… I’m listening to you. In all honesty, I’m listening to every word you’re saying because I am a firm believer that if you listen, a person will tell you everything you need to know with out any force. If I reflect on past relationships, I can literally pin point sentences that were said that really should have clued me in to what the future was going to be like. Lines like this: “I just have this unfortunate problem with always dating really attractive girls. I mean look at me, I basically look homeless & my last girlfriend was a model.” Tells me a lot more than anything your Okcupid profile does. Also a line like this, “I had a girlfriend once, she was a thick girl & she dressed up like Harlee Quinn for me in the bedroom. And you know I was like, babe I appreciate it but no, it’s not working for me. You have to have a certain body type to pull that off, you basically have to be a gymnast, otherwise it’s just not attractive.” Even in my own experience, when I’m around a quiet person I feel the need to fill the silence. People say a lot of stupid shit when they’re trying to fill the silence. It’s my goal to not be the one filling the silence with gems like, “I was tripping on acid one time when we grocery shopping together.”
2. Sexting
This is probably the biggest one I have a problem with because it is so predominant in the dating world right now & at my age. But here’s my feelings on it…
Nope
Maybe I’m part of a dying breed but I don’t want to talk about sex with you. I enjoy the anticipation and I’m a firm believer that if you’ve got to talk about it, it’s probably not that good. I really don’t need to know you’re a grower, not a show-er before you’ve even taken me out for dinner let alone slept with me. And I really don’t care what your preference is for female grooming or your elicit interest in girls wearing lingerie. I’m pretty sure you better like me enough to not care about either. And I’m not saying there’s not a time & place for sexting but it’s certainly not within the first week I’ve met you or before we hit some trustworthy milestones in a relationship.
And here’s a hint, we only wear lingerie when we want something & I’m only wearing lingerie because I want a BMW or I got a BMW. (previously BMW would have been diamond but shit has changed dudes, I got real priorities now)
And if you ask me to text you something cute, you’re getting a picture of my cats. And if you ask me to text you something sexy, you’re getting either a picture of the pizza I’m eating or maybe I’ll just ignore you for a day & a half. It’s 2014, I don’t trust you, I can’t afford to be one of those celebrities who has to defend their nude leaks. I can’t call my grandma & tell her she might see those pictures! And here’s another food for though, if you’re just trying to get laid, fine. But if you’re trying to be my bf & you’ve focused your efforts on getting me to sext you way too soon in the ‘getting to know you phase’, I’ll never date you for real. There’s no way in hell, 10 years down the road when my kids ask me how I met their dad I’m going to have to reflect on all of the pornographic things you said to me before I even heard you fart or met your mom.
And here’s another bit of info for you, if I don’t know you… As in, if we’re not in a committed relationship & I trust you, love you or see a potential future with you and you send me a dick pic. I’m sending it to my best friend and we are going to make jokes about it because that is what you are, a joke.
That’s the difference between time wasting boyfriends who send dick pics & potential husbands who wait until they’ve got monogamy on their side, we don’t want our best friends to see our potential husband’s peen.
3. Boundaries
I’ve done the whole fall down the rabbit hole, I’m in love shit. My ex fiance & I hung out for 2 weeks straight before we started dating. I was at his house every night, I skipped classes, only went to work because I saw him there, quit going to the gym. Then he left for Indy for a week or two & called me once. Of course it was the beginning of the relationship, so I couldn’t hate him for not calling ((he didn’t even own a cellphone)… a problem that would manifest in the future when he did have a cellphone & still never called. ) But if I had been paying attention, I would have realized how much I liked that anticipation. That the time spent away from each other made me more excited than ever to see him. I could have used a healthy dose of that knowledge later on in our relationship. When he got back from his mini vacation, we spent every second together until we finally moved in together & imploded. Boundaries is something that I’m eagerly learning about & finding profoundly sexy right now. There’s an art in not giving too much of yourself up front. Boundaries are often mistaken for ‘the game’ that single people play to attract a mate, but I say play on. Make me work for it, I’m going to make you work for it & I’m going to be 100 times more honest than if I gotta make shit up on the fly to ensure you like me and I’m probably going to be way more accepting of your obsession with lingerie if you hold on the info until we’ve established respect & gotten some time under our belts. If someone isn’t setting boundaries for themselves, I’m wary. There’s no long term value in that. I’m not 19 years old, chances are it’s going to take more than 2 weeks to get me to commit to you, so you better have something good to reveal in week 3 or I might lose interest.
4. Freedom
Don’t forfeit your freedom too soon. Let’s say that someday, by some slight of the Devil I become a wife or a mother, I’m sacrificing a shit ton of my free time right? And although, when a relationship is new I feel like I want to spend every damn minute with the dude- whether that’s because I have nothing better to do or because I’m afraid they’ll fall in love with the cashier on the way out of the grocery store- I’ve realized I value my free time. Ever woke up the next morning next to a guy & had to fart? You could get out of bed, go to the bathroom but God knows the house is so quiet, he’d hear you. I can’t even pee at work if I think someone is listening. You don’t have to worry about that when you’re in your own space. Enjoy & value your alone time .. to fart freely, if anything else.
5. Jealousy
Mmm. Touchy subject based on my past. But to be honest, I think a little jealousy is perfectly healthy in a relationship. What better way to show you really cherish what you’ve got then recognizing you could lose it to someone if you’re not acting right. But you know what’s not sexy, when you’re the only jealous person in a relationship. And you know what certainly does not breed a healthy amount of jealousy from your significant other- not having your own life. What person is going to be jealous or fearful of losing someone who sits at home, waiting for everyone else to come home? Spoiler alert, no one. This past weekend I went to a party on Friday night with a guy I’d been dating. Saturday night, I made my own plans & went to a friends party on my own. Dude was cool about it but the following few days, I got a few little quips about how I must have found a cute dude at that party because I wasn’t being very talkative. Truth is, I wasn’t being talkative because I wasn’t interested anymore, which made his jealousy pretty obnoxious but if I had been interested, I’d probably be flattered that he’s acknowledging I’d be worth losing.
6. The Pizza Test
Never date a guy until you know what kind of pizza he has in his freezer. I’m not picking off onions for the rest of my life, compromising on half & half pizzas or coming home to a Hawaiian pizza ever. Have you ever seen a girl choke back tears & pout in her room all night because her boyfriend said, “Hey babe, don’t worry about dinner. I’m going to make you something good for when you get off work. I’ll have it ready for you when you walk in the door.” Only to come home to Cheeseburger pizza. I’m not going to say I’d do that now but 22 year Brooke sure as fuck has gone to bed with NO PIZZA because her only option was Cheeseburger pizza. That is a doomed relationship. This is my version of the front porch test from How I Met Your Mother.
7. Respect
If you don’t know what it means to respect yourself, you won’t know what it’s like to be respected by others. I like to think of the absolute best way I want to be treated, with love & a little bit of fear. And I ask for it, I don’t expect someone to read my mind. And then I know better 
than to stick around if I’m not being treated the way I want to be treated. Hence the reason why I had to have a ‘let’s just be friends’ conversation this week.
Want to really ‘woo’ me, skip the compliments on my sweet tits & ask me for my autograph when I dress up for a date or ask me if I’m famous when you see me for the first time that day. I’ll eat that shit up & blush like the little submissive wife of your dreams. But most importantly, I’ll respect you. And not only is it important for me to know what kind of respect I want, there’s nothing sexier than a man who demands respect for himself.
And on that, here’s a musical treat just for you:
Bamprincess 