I haven’t done a very good job of keeping up with this blog but with the realization that I am human, I’m not going to apologize to anyone but myself. And it’s funny because my last post was all about positivity & how a negative mind won’t get you anywhere. It’s as if, as soon as I wrote that -Poof- my ability to see the bright side of the story disappeared.
The week that I wrote my last post, I was sick. Little did I know I would be embarking on 4 months of cycling through bi weekly sicknesses. But November was the worst, I had strep. Since I have had my tonsils removed I didn’t even think it could be strep, so I self treated what I thought was the flu. My lymph nodes were the size of ping pong balls, I had a fever, sweating with the chills, no voice & I’m pretty sure I worked through most of it, sipping on green tea & choking on cough drops. Towards the end of my bought of strep, I finally went to the Care Clinic. Not for my strep though, instead I went for this rash that had broken out on my check & abdomen. I was given some basic steroid cream & made an appointment with a dermatologist.
I was diagnosed with Guttate Psoriasis.
Psoriasis is not contagious but it is genetic, it is incurable, there are several different types of psoriasis, all of them are considered disorders in the immune system & a detrimental blow to your self esteem. As in all cases, it could be worse. Guttate Psoriasis is specific to having strep throat, usually the break out only happens once & goes away within a few weeks or months of the out break – or so the pamphlets say because as of right now, that’s not the case.
The break out was the worst on my chest & probably what I’m the most self conscious about, not that many people are seeing my chest. It was also on my legs, mostly around my ankles, on my back, the trunk of my body, a little on my face & horrifyingly enough, even more embarrassing the the break out on my chest, it was on my scalp. Which of course caused the worst dandruff I’ve ever had in my life, which only got worse when I tried to use T-gel.
I’m currently using steroid cream- Clobestasol Propionate Cream, USP 0.05% on my chest, the doctor told me due to the severity of the psoriasis on my chest, it may not be guttate but instead the forever psoriasis that can only be managed, not cured. The cream does pretty well at managing but if I take the recommended 2 weeks off from the cream, it comes back with a vengeance. I also use a Clobestasol Propoinate solution on my scalp & God Bless, that shit works like a dream. Usually I can do about two or three treatments & won’t have to worry about it for a couple weeks.
For the rest of my body, I was going through UVB light treatments at but after some faulty customer service & a lack of change during the past 3 months of treatment, I’m exploring some new options. Although there has been some significant changes during that time. It’s no longer on my ankles or legs, the trunk of my body is manageable as long as I keep my skin moisturized, Epsom salt baths, sugar scrubs but it’s still there.
When I found out I had psoriasis, I let it get to me. Mentally, emotionally, physically I expressed to the universe that I hated my body, through the shame I felt towards my body. My thoughts were 100% negative, I said some really hateful things towards myself that I would never say to anyone else. I quit working out, I completely let my desire to learn yoga slip right out the door, I was consumed by my lack of energy & enthusiasm. I worked really hard to accept the fact that I’m plus size & suddenly, I found myself comparing not my weight but my skin to other people, like I traded one vice for another.
The thing about having strep throat & psoriasis is my immune system was weakened by the untreated strep throat- this gave the psoriasis an opportunity to attack my immune system. I used my weak immune system to slow down, to sleep in, to revert back to the negative thinking, low self esteem, angry person I’ve spent so much time healing. And I think that’s what I’m the most ashamed of. I’m not ashamed of my body, I’m not ashamed of my psoriasis. I am ashamed that I did exactly what I berate many other people for, I became the victim of my circumstance.
It’s comfortable to give in to your circumstances. It’s comforting to succumb to fear when uncontrollable circumstances are presented to you. It’s comforting to wallow, when the alternative is to recognize that you are an all time consuming project & positivity & your faith, your spirituality requires all your effort, your thoughts, your beliefs. It is the ultimate comfort to let depression wrap you in its warm embrace & hold you right before the line you cross when you decide to push past the unknown. The peaks & valleys of depression give me a chance to reflect on what made the peaks so great & it’s always the choice to love. So, again, I choose to love, to be mindful of my love, for my entire being.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18