Monday Morning Pep Talk

Avoid the victim mentality by truly understanding that your life is not defined by your circumstances but instead by the choices you make. Think back to every hardship you’ve been through, think of the strength you’ve had to amass to get out of bed some mornings, think of all of the times you’ve been validated by someone’s sympathy for the struggles in your life or your bad luck. Now imagine if you could commit to battling your weaknesses the way you’ve battled your circumstances. Validate yourself with compassion and commit to confronting your weaknesses, the same way you confront hardships in life.  By looking inwards & leaving behind that “Why Me?” victim mentality and replacing it with – Romans 5:3-5 We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, & endurance produces character, & character produces hope, & hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit…”  or try replacing it with, “Fuck yeah its’ me, your worst nightmare, come at me LIFE, I Dare you”, you’ll learn to be proactive, rather than reactive when it comes to life’… ya bitches. :*

To read the article: The Moral Bucket List – David Brooks

To read the bible: Romans 5:3-5 

A Recap on Spring So far

So to focus on some good, I’ve been having a really good spring. I got a chance to take a quick vacation – Tuesday thru Sunday off at the end of March & got some visitors! Rosa & Adam flew in & stayed with me Tuesday thru Friday. Fuck, it was so much fun! First off, the weather was perfect. The first two days were a little wet but we just hung out in Tacoma, got some good food & local beers – saw some nature. I tried to take them to Chambers Bay but it was pretty much shut down for the upcoming U.S. Open Championships, which I am not looking forward too. Chambers Bay is a few minutes from my apartment, which means traffic is going to be insane. That’d be a really great time to rent out my apartment & go on another vacation. 😉 Thursday & Friday thought we spent in Seattle & you couldn’t have asked for better weather. It was 70 degrees & sunshine all day. Thursday was so fun, we stayed in Seattle for 12 hours straight doing a bunch of touristy shit, Friday too although we went up later in the day & got caught in 4 o’clock traffic on our way to the airport.

I think the best part though was getting to hang out with people I’ve known for 10+ year in my new home. Next year marks the 1 year anniversary in Washington & I’ve made plenty of new friends, met new people, experience new things but nothing can beat picking on Adam & getting slap happy with Rosa, laughing until we cry. It made me that much more excited to go home in a month to see all my other friends!

Here’s some picks from our #SpringBreak2015 in Seattle

 

I feel like 4 days was the perfect amount of time to share a 1 bedroom apartment with three people & two cats. But I’d gladly accept them as my new neighbors! I’m so happy & blessed to have friends who are willing to travel across the country to come visit me. ❤

As for friends in town, went to the Tulip Festival Last week with Billie, Matthew & Ashlee – besides having a clogged ear that I couldn’t hear out of, oh & allergies, it was fun. Again, great weather -sunshine & a little bit of chilly wind but definitely worth that trip. At least once. Pictures include 1 shameless seflie.

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Can you tell I just learned how to put slideshows in my posts? Also, it’s been a while, so I feel like I have to catch on everything with a mass upload of things for you to be jealous over. Even though you’re probably already my friend on Facebook & have seen these pics already.

Ok, one last one… Here’s a little update on my Psoriasis, the first two images were taken this week. So, you can see the cream I’m using does work. There has not been any change to the Guttate Psoriasis on the trunk of my body since I stopped light treatments two weeks ago. The psoriasis is no longer on my ankles.

I start slow pitch softball on Monday, I’m mostly excited, partially nervous. It’s been a while since I’ve played. I’m thinking it’s possible I run even slower now than I did years ago when I still played, which some may find hard to believe but I’m going to guarantee it. I guess I have to hit a homerun e’ry time I get up to bat. HA I will make mention that the first team we play is called BALLS TO THE FACE, & our team is called S.W.A.T.  I won’t tell you what that stands for, but you can guess. The more raunchy you get, the closer you’ll be. Haha! >.<

You Can’t Heal a Body You Hate

I haven’t done a very good job of keeping up with this blog but with the realization that I am human, I’m not going to apologize to anyone but myself. And it’s funny because my last post was all about positivity & how a negative mind won’t get you anywhere. It’s as if, as soon as I wrote that -Poof- my ability to see the bright side of the story disappeared.

The week that I wrote my last post, I was sick. Little did I know I would be embarking on 4 months of cycling through bi weekly sicknesses. But November was the worst, I had strep. Since I have had my tonsils removed I didn’t even think it could be strep, so I self treated what I thought was the flu. My lymph nodes were the size of ping pong balls, I had a fever, sweating with the chills, no voice & I’m pretty sure I worked through most of it, sipping on green tea & choking on cough drops. Towards the end of my bought of strep, I finally went to the Care Clinic. Not for my strep though, instead I went for this rash that had broken out on my check & abdomen. I was given some basic steroid cream & made an appointment with a dermatologist.

I was diagnosed with Guttate Psoriasis.

Psoriasis is not contagious but it is genetic, it is incurable, there are several different types of psoriasis, all of them are considered disorders in the immune system & a detrimental blow to your self esteem. As in all cases, it could be worse. Guttate Psoriasis is specific to having strep throat, usually the break out only happens once & goes away within a few weeks or months of the out break – or so the pamphlets say because as of right now, that’s not the case.

The break out was the worst on my chest & probably what I’m the most self conscious about, not that many people are seeing my chest. It was also on my legs, mostly around my ankles, on my back, the trunk of my body, a little on my face & horrifyingly enough, even more embarrassing the the break out on my chest, it was on my scalp. Which of course caused the worst dandruff I’ve ever had in my life, which only got worse when I tried to use T-gel.

I’m currently using steroid cream- Clobestasol Propionate Cream, USP 0.05% on my chest, the doctor told me due to the severity of the psoriasis on my chest, it may not be guttate but instead the forever psoriasis that can only be managed, not cured. The cream does pretty well at managing but if I take the recommended 2 weeks off from the cream, it comes back with a vengeance. I also use a Clobestasol Propoinate solution on my scalp & God Bless, that shit works like a dream. Usually I can do about two or three treatments & won’t have to worry about it for a couple weeks.

For the rest of my body, I was going through UVB light treatments at but after some faulty customer service & a lack of change during the past 3 months of treatment, I’m exploring some new options. Although there has been some significant changes during that time. It’s no longer on my ankles or legs, the trunk of my body is manageable as long as I keep my skin moisturized, Epsom salt baths, sugar scrubs but it’s still there.

When I found out I had psoriasis, I let it get to me. Mentally, emotionally, physically I expressed to the universe that I hated my body, through the shame I felt towards my body. My thoughts were 100% negative, I said some really hateful things towards myself that I would never say to anyone else. I quit working out, I completely let my desire to learn yoga slip right out the door, I was consumed by my lack of energy & enthusiasm. I worked really hard to accept the fact that I’m plus size & suddenly, I found myself comparing not my weight but my skin to other people, like I traded one vice for another.

The thing about having strep throat & psoriasis is my immune system was weakened by the untreated strep throat- this gave the psoriasis an opportunity to attack my immune system. I used my weak immune system to slow down, to sleep in, to revert back to the negative thinking, low self esteem, angry person I’ve spent so much time healing. And I think that’s what I’m the most ashamed of. I’m not ashamed of my body, I’m not ashamed of my psoriasis. I am ashamed that I did exactly what I berate many other people for, I became the victim of my circumstance.

It’s comfortable to give in to your circumstances. It’s comforting to succumb to fear when uncontrollable circumstances are presented to you. It’s comforting to wallow, when the alternative is to recognize that you are an all time consuming project & positivity & your faith, your spirituality requires all your effort, your thoughts, your beliefs. It is the ultimate comfort to let depression wrap you in its warm embrace & hold you right before the line you cross when you decide to push past the unknown. The peaks & valleys of depression give me a chance to reflect on what made the peaks so great & it’s always the choice to love. So, again, I choose to love, to be mindful of my love, for my entire being.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18